the pants has agreed to sit down for a little Q&A session so that the blog readers who keep asking for his picture will think that he posted an interview and therefore, he doesn’t really need to put up his picture on the internets.
HF: hello pants! how are you tonight?
P: I’m doing fine, Heatherfeather. Thank you for having me. And I guess I’m okay with being called “Pants.”
HF: So tell me, why are there no frakkin’ pictures of you on the internet?
P: [pants provided an answer here, but it wasn’t a good enough one in my opinion. hey, it’s my blog, and i didn’t have to tell you i was changing it anyway. besides, pants gave it the “sealed by pants” stamp of approval.] Because I’m so blindingly handsome that men would weep with feelings of inadequacy and women would tear out their hair at not being able to have me.
HF: Glasses or no?
P: I don’t wear glasses, although I probably need them. If the question is do i like glasses on women, I love it when women wear Tina Fey librarian-ish glasses, especially when rhinestone-laden. [Pants gets extra points for sucking up to the interviewer by talking about liking her glasses]
HF: who is your favorite karate kid character?
P: Dutch, because he looks like he’s on speed, and karate guys on speed are really fun to look at.
HF: in an erotic way?
P: [laughs uncomfortably] No comment. But Elisabeth Shue was very hot in a non-teenage girl teenage girl sort of a way.
HF: are you heading for a career in politics with that sort of spin tactic?
P: No. [Pause] However, I would very much like to enter politics if I could work for the perfect candidate.
HF: Oh, so you’re a Democrat?
P: No, I’m a Republican. Seriously, I am.
HF: How did i wind up dating you, then?
P: I recall there was some drinking involved and also you were giddy at having recently finished your last class [in grad school] and also you were intrigued by my ability to play you evenly in Trivial Pursuit.
HF: Yes, when we’ve played I’ve won about half the time and you’ve won the other half, right?
P: Technically, you’ve won every time, but that’s only because God has sided with you, and it’s taken literally miracles to defeat me. [editor’s note: you’re allowed to stop reading this answer after “you’ve won every time.”]
HF: what is your favorite song at the moment?
P: At the moment, my favorite song is “Boston” by Augustana for a couple of reasons:
- I find the music to be compelling and pleasing to listen to.
- HeatherFeather talks about her time in Boston, often longingly, when she listens to the song and that makes me happy.
HF: So you like it when I long for something I don’t have? [See audience? See how i did that? Girls rule.]
P: It’s not like you don’t HAVE it all the time.
HF: Touche. Is there a secret you’ve never told anyone that you’d put on the internet?
P: No. (See: Large Mouth Bass)
HF: Moving ahead. (Large Mouth Bass, drop me an email, mmkay? thanks.) What is the best g-rated feeling in the world.
P: Holding HeatherFeather’s hand.
HF: You do realize you just made maryam vomit.
P: Now THAT is the best feeling in the world.
HF: Indeed it is. Last question, since this is a REALLY LONG POST. if someone offered you $1M to streak on the steps of the US Supreme Court, would you do it?