without being too specific, i am at a bit of a crossroads right now. i have to weigh my actual desire for a tangible outcome, see if i really want it. (to limit the number of times i say “it” we’ll refer to the unnameable “it” as “pickles.”) and if i really want pickles, how much i really want pickles. and if wanting pickles as much as i do is really enough to make this choice. because if i go through with this, there will be significant unpleasantness to get there, there will be significant struggle to stay there, and very few will ever know how much i had to go through to come out the other side.
this isn’t about a person (i.e, pants and i are doing wonderfully – he’s only vaguely related to the issue at hand), but is deeply rooted in me and this tangible thing. i appear to be cryptic, but i can’t really talk about pickles on the internet. however my instincts are to talk about things on the internet, so i have to do it in a way that’s really confusing for y’all. sorry, y’all.
anyhow i recently heard something that makes me think that i don’t want pickles badly enough. i don’t even know if i want pickles at all. and i think my gut has been telling me that for a long time, but that i’m going to wind up riding this wave until it dashes me up against the shore, battered and gasping for air.
because i’m afraid that getting off now will leave me wondering “whatif?” for the rest of my life.
and this is my ONLY chance get pickles. i hope i have the stomach for pickles.
edited to add: hi kids! after getting some emails, IMs, text messages and phone calls, i feel it’s really important for me to say that I AM NOT PREGNANT. that is all.