and by the way…

…today when i was at the extended family poker tournament (i didn’t play), i was asked no fewer than FIVE TIMES by FIVE DIFFERENT UNCLES:

“So, when is the Big Day?”

i tried playing dumb every time (“i’m graduating in june, and will probably move to the east coast assuming i get a job”) but was always corrected for my obvious stupidity.

“No, when are you getting married?”

um, yeah.

that clarifier was consistently followed by:

“So, how old are you now?”

i was so annoyed by all of this that i started scolding (and hence shaming my uncles pretty ruthlessly) about how impolite it is to ask a lady her age.

however, this started the day of my dad’s funeral. part of me can’t help but think that they’re doing this because my own dad isn’t there to make sure i am being wooed by someone worthy.

that, and to negotiate my dowry in goats.*

*i wish i were kidding. but i’m curious how many i’d fetch. my goat – heatherfeather currency converter’s been broken for a while now.


8 responses to “and by the way…

  1. Pfft. Paying in goats is sooo 2004. The new hott thing is paying in sheep.

    Or so I’ve heard…

  2. Me have cousin that am over half goat and he say that goat dowries am easy thing to figure. You start with standard 12 goats and modify…
    -Bride is strong and can work well in fields… +2 goats
    -Bride has wide “birthing” hips… +4 goats
    -Bride has thin “I have no butt” hips… -4 goats
    -Bride has ample bosom… +6 goats
    -Bride is older than prime birthing age… -2 goats per 5 years older
    -Bride has bad teeth, sour breath or is lame in some way… -5 goats
    -Bride needs shave… -12 goats
    -Bride likes to wear Dockers boots, jeans and plaid work shirts, tune up cars and get lap dances at the strip club… -25 goats
    -Bride is a virgin… +10 goats
    -Bride is technically a virgin… +2 goats
    -Bride has “don’t ask don’t tell” policy about virginity… (Traditionally this is a -2 goats, but depending on what type of guy the groom is, in today’s world it can get you as many as +10 or more goats.)

  3. Oh, what a pain. And then, right after you say the little words and get the ring and are getting ready for your reception, the next phase starts – “so when can we expect grandbabies?” Like the only reason none of these things have happened yet is because you’re disorganized or something.

    I’d take the sheep dowry over the goats – think of all the spinning!

  4. moo, it appears that sheep are the new monkeys. earlier this year, dingos were the new monkeys.

    monstee, it looks like i’m worth at LEAST 24 goats, maybe 35+. i wonder where all these damn goats will live…

    alpineflower, if they’re cashmere goats, however, imagine all the spinning i could do with THAT!

  5. Sometimes I feel like telling my family I’m a lesbian. Just so I can avoid all future conversations like the ones you went through today. But the truth is, I’m not a lesbian. I just hate guys. Haha.

  6. HHMMM….I say skip the goats…Demand a dowry of horses..It’s a Native American tradition that could make you extremely wealthy. I mean how much are 24-35 top quality equines worth on todays market….Mooocha.

  7. well, you’d better not be rude to your uncles. accepting goats means never having to mow the lawn again.

  8. Whoa! There are goats in the deal?! I didn’t get that much for the child bride. Damn it, I knew I should have shopped around more.

    The next time someone asks you “When’s the big day?” Scream, “Oh my God! I am not pregnant!” and run out of the room crying.

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